The Vaganza Monologues
Okay y'all, here's the skinny.
I'm fairly busy wit' school and the like, so what I'll do is post the Vaganza Monologues, a blow by blow, hour by hour record of the funniest or most memorable lines of the entire 24 hours as recorded by the McGill and Carleton improv teams! What fun! I'll post a personal recollection of Vaganza from my point of view at a later date.
Enjoy!
~~~~~~~~~~~
The Vaganza Monologues 2006
Hour 1: 12pm-1pm (Photo: To Kill A Mockingbird)
12:15 pm: (during the alphabet game)
Andrew: Ahh...Strip club it is.
Bryan: (in Brittish accent)Titties and Ass.
12:30 pm: 3 crotch grabs already.
12:42pm: (during a manip about Andrew’s dead grandmother)
Andrew: She’s already infamous.
Bryan: Oh, what was her name?
Andrew: Betty..... Crocker.
12:46pm: (Adrienne is trying to buy a milk carton with a picture of Germany on it)
Adrienne: And what’s that a picture of?
Bryan: It’s a picture of your... conscience...
Adrienne: And...
Bryan: It has a swastika on it.
Adrienne: And what’s that around it?
Bryan: Hitler’s face.
12:50pm Bryan (as Arianne, the storekeeper):Are you anthropormorphizing storage structures?
12:55pm Ken: Susan, our entire relationship is based on you being blind and me being an asshole.
12:58 pm Ken gives Bryan the first circumcision of the day.
Hour 2: 1pm-2pm (Photo: Of Mice And Men)
Hour 3: 2pm-3pm (Photo: Harry Potter and The Philosopher’s Stone)
Hour 4: 3pm-4pm (Photo: How To Win Friends and Influence People)
3:30 pm Bryan: I’ve got a bum knee how do you explain that?
(to invisible birds)
*pause*
Jeremy: Oh... that’s a pretty good explanation.
3:32 pm Bryan :Yeah, bum knee.
Jeremy: Who’d you catch that from?
Bryan: The bricks.
3:36 Evan: I think he may be dead. I think he may have temporarily died to increase air resistance.
3:37pm Evan: Watch those corpses shooting down the mountainside!
3:39 (Detective scene, Bryan is the detective, the location is the Botanical Gardens)
Bryan enters scene with disgusted look on his face, waving his hand in front of his face
Jeremy enters scene smiling and smelling the air happily
Bryan: Sorry if I seem to be elsewhere, I’m being fondled by my assistant.
3:53
Bryan (In response to the audience suggestions): Uh, question from the players... what do those words mean?
3:55
Bryan: (in Musical Freeze): Wazabadabadoo...
Hour 5: 4-5pm (Photo: A Tale Of Two Cities)
4:04pm
Mariana (introducing arms debate): Can I get a non-controversial topic? ......I don’t know why we’d be debating a non-controversial topic, but....
4:09pm
Andrew: Ah, see, now she’s biting my fucking leg, are you happy?
4:23pm
Life is like... making fun of Andrew!
Adam: Life is like a watch: Andrew is too lazy to get his fixed.
Bryan: Life is like a watch: even Andrew’s is right twice a day.
Bryan: Life is like a tampon, and Andrew’s a big poo-poo head!’
4:34pm’
Andrew (old job new job, as judge who used to be a cowboy): I wish I knew how to acquit you.
4:52pm
Merav: It’s so difficult to be a sculptor. I mean how many guys care about what you do with your hands?
4:56pm
Josh:It’s like I’m bicycling but I’m not.
Hour 6: 5-6pm (Photo: Lord of the Flies)
5:50pm
Josh: Can I get a B-movie actor from the 80s? (best ask-for, EVER)
Audience: Dolph Lundgren!
5:55pm Ken to Adrienne: She thinks you’re a giant, linguistic acorn!
Hour 7: 6-7pm (Photo: A Million Little Pieces)
6:11pm
Marc: Uh... Pollen!!
6:31pm
Marc: Killer gums!
6:33pm
Bryan: Wait, there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation... I have a degree from Concordia!
6:40pm
Adam: Oh, Deacon. Come here. We need an old priest and a young priest. Well, you’re really a priest in training.
Bryan: Oh, I know what I am.
6:44pm
Bryan: You touched the priest in an inappropiate manner, and for a priest, that’s saying something.
6:48pm
There is a guy in the audience who is napping! napping! It’s not even 7!!!!!!!! I believe this is a first!
6:55 Bryan (World’s Worst gym teacher) Go fat kid go! Go fat kid go!
Bryan (World’s Worst gym teacher) Lookin’ cute Nancy!
Bryan (World’s Worst gym teacher) Lookin’ cute Raul!
6:59 Note from the audience: Goddammit! This is Mariana, and I just thought of another Life is Like for tampons! Life is like a tampon: it’s all about the vagina!
6:59 Adrienne: Here we have intelligent man. Intelligent man is very endangered.
Hour 8: 7-8pm (Photo: A Clockwork Orange)
7:05pm Noel (Carleton!) This will be a scene in Gibberish. Which I guess you call Quebecois...
7:21pm
Noel: You’re one of those upper-class, sense-of-entitlement jaywalkers!
7:29pm Abby: Remember the last time you tried to spin an elaborate scientific lie?!
7:45 Noel: Who’s going to need to chew gum 24 7? Hookers!
Eric: And people at vaganza!
Noel: What would catch the hooker’s attention? Money! We can make the package look like money!
7:52pm Owen: I am the amalgamated clone descendent of Pat Roberston, Bill O’Reilly, Queen Victoria and the Pope... and his first stripper.
7:55pm Abby (World’s Worst Whale) Kirsten, look at my sparkly spout! I’m Your Little Whale!
7:57pm
David (World’s worst construction worker): Aw, shit, we’re out of lego.
7:59pm Abby: Ok look Kirsten, I’ve lined up all our construction helmests, taken hamsters, put glue on their feet, and now they’re going to race and we’ll see who gets to the other side of the room first!
Kirsten: You’re a monster!
Hour 9: 8-9pm (Photo: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish)
8:13pm
I see that you got the Diggus Alloverus””says Marc refering to moles.
8:18pm Nikki: In order to be in this business you have to be very organized and I can see that you’re not organized.
Bryan: Oh come on...
Nikki: Oh come on! Your fly’s undone...that’s not very organized.
8:22pm
Marc giving the rubber chicken mouth-to-beak resuscitation
8:26pm
Vinny: Hi! Welcome to beautiful PEI!
Bryan: Wow... It looks just like New Brunswick.
Vinny: I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.
8:31pm
Nikki: Wow, you guys look great.
Marc: Thanks, we just got back from the most amazing sex. On money.
8:51pm
Nikki: You know, communication doesn’t always have to be about words; It can be about touching too...
Hour 10: 9-10pm (Photo: Paradise Lost)
9:05pm
Ilya: Like any respected Host, i like my bitches and my hoes.
9:10pm
Ilya (introducing scene): (Pointing to Melanie) Okay, you’re going to be moving Maryam, She won’t be able to move. (Pointing to Owen from CIA) You’re going to be moving Melanie, she won’t be able to move.
9:23pm
Maryam: I know I know you feel: your space is being invaded. But think about how invaded your space will be when I stick that dagger in your face.
9:30pm
[Adrienne space jumps on, wielding a knife]
Josh: It was Andrew!
Ilya: Andrew, I told you not to steal from the Arab market!
9:36pm
Maryam: First, you need to get to Mars.
Ilya: We’re on Mars.
Maryam: Good.
9:42pm
Adrienne: Sir, I would like to buy a weiner.
9:43pm
Ilya: Wait, Tuesdays are when explosions happen!
Andrew (as Narrator): Wait wait wait, that’s too corny, I can’t use the title of the book in the first chapter!
Hour 11: 10-11pm (Photo: The Hobbit)
10:28pm
Ken: Instead of saying you’re out,..it says the other thing. What’s the other thing? (silence...)
10:31pm
Adam: Woah. Bambie’s also the costume change woman?
Mariana (who is a stripper): What? So I know a lot about taking clothes off quickly.
that is one happy red endogenous dove sparrow! (mariana 1045)
10:49
Adam: how much those pants cost you?
Jeremy: uhh...
Adam: if the answer is one tire, the answer is correct!
Arvind ( as jeremy’s thought): but these are the pants my father gave me on his death bed...
10:54pm (during 187 ‘platypuses’)
Mariana: 187 platypodes...
Ken: What?
Mariana: That’s the fucking plural, I’m a linguist.
10:55pm: I don’t know what he has to do with this race, but that was good. (Ken then flashes the audience and runs off stage)
10:57pm (While playing freeze)
Jeremy: FREEZE! (While in the actual scene...)
Hour 12: 11-12 (Photo: Heart of Darkness)
11:05pm
Josh: Oh, yeah that... I mean ARRRRG! Because I’m still angry!
11:13pm
Z: Don’t you have any other bandanas? You can’t have only one.
Andrew: Yes. This is the only one. It’s called Bandana Store, not Bandanas Store. My brother runs that.
11:22pm
Josh: caterpillers are fun, it’s their distant cousins that are bitches!
11:25pm: Merav: Are you an... English teacher?
Andrew: Non.
11:28pm
Josh: We were in Paris together. How come you left me?
Andrew: Well, I was on vacation and then I came home.
Josh: But with you it was like a party in my mouth and everyone is invited. (Trying to get someone to guess making out.)
11:37pm Josh (World’s Worst Dentist) Ok open wide... GAH! What are those white things?!
11:40pm Merav: 187 parking meters walk into a bar. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ....
11:51 PM Andrew: C’mon over here Jenny, Beta says its ok.
11:55pm
Ilya (commentating on the olympics of pancake making): And we see her now, putting on her goggles, because that syrup can get all up in your grill.
Hour 13: 12-1am (Photo: Life of Pi)
12:19pm
Mariana: Ma’am— I mean, sir.
Z: I am a single father. I know we’re a rare breed. But we cling to our masculinity like barnacles on a ship.
12:32 Adrienne - “You know, I think I could really go for a pickle.”
12:37 Chris “Life is like a sharp knife - take it on the plane at your own risk”
12:52am
Mariana: Can I get a non-sexual relationship between two people
Audience: Sorority sisters!
Ilya: That’s pseudo-sexual.
Hour 14: 1-2am (Photo: Cat In The Hat)
Ken: I couldn’t help but overhear that you have a broken squirrel vacuum. I have just the thing: nature! Because nature abhors a vacuum. Abhor! Abhor!
Josh: As you can see, it’s perfectly safe to put my head into this lion’s mouth...
Josh: [a few seconds later] As you can see, it’s perfectly safe to call for an ambulance...
1:53 am
I carved this for you out of a peice of wood, it’s a tree trunk! (Ken as world’s worst carver.)
Hour 15: 2-3am (Photo: Stephen King’s It)
2:18 Noel: So what would you like, we’ve got a psychedelic soup with lots of flavours and colours or we’ve got, uh, steak.
2:40 am:
“melbourne! where even the genitalia are upside down!” Noel with city slogans
Hour 16: 3-4am (Photo: Moby Dick)
3:36 - Eric: It’s something you think about in general and often
Owen: Pornography?
3:45 - Noel: We need a dead celebrity
Mariana: Marilyn Monroe
Maryam: Yup, she’s dead.
3:52 - Kirsten: Hey, you really smell like nuts.
Hour 17: 4-5am (Photo: The Da Vinci Code)
4:26am
Andrew: I think we’re being clapped off.
4:29am: Josh suggests doing a scene accompanied by him on the tam-tam and Noelle on the harp. Andrew’s head explodes.
4:39am: Josh doesn’t know who Mussolini is, either.
4:44am
Josh (during questions only): I think I killed her! Wait, that’s not a question.
Hour 18: 5-6am (Photo: Goosebumps— all of them)
5:39am: Owen from Carleton is doing freestyle poetry.
5:43am
Merav: Captain, we have a ship heading for us at 20,000 light... miles... per second.
5:50am
During 3 headed interview, Andrew is seen walking by in the background drinking coffee (...and he’s not even in this hour...)
5:51am
By now everyone is wearing jackets and hats due to the extreme cold seeping through the boarded up window that is in the process of being fixed.
Hour 19: 6-7am (Photo: War and Peace)
6:23am
Audience: (during a manip) Are we supposed to be ‘oohing’ now? I wasn’t here for the selection process.
6:30am
Mariana, Adam, and Noelle are having a menage a trois in the front row.
6:47am
Andrew (guessing during a manip): Religious.... tracts?
Audience: [cheers]
Andrew: What the hell is a religious tract?
Mariana: Ha! A word that Andrew doesn’t know!
Ken: Yeah, why don’t you go play Scrabble?
(Best part of this whole scene was the sad/tired/confused look on Andrew’s face as he stood there and appended the word religious to everything suggested. “Religious... iPods? Religious tractors?”)
6:59am
Ken is trying to get ‘Goldie Hawn’ in a manipulation, and Arvind, Josh, and Andrew are doing a terrible job getting him to guess.
Ken: Well, this is gold material, gentlemen.
Andrew: YES! It is!
Ken: Oohhhhh.... Goldie Hawn.
Hour 20: 7-8am (Photo: Little Women)
7:12am: Mariana and Adam have cracked, and are just jabbering madly to each other on stage (Coffee of Doom!). Josh and Eric are valiantly trying to play Deaths in a Minute over the noise.
7:13am: Mariana and Adam are back to normal.
7:13am (Deaths in a minute on the moon)
Adam: I’ve discovered water on the moon....... TSUNAMI! (still too soon)
7:40am
Eric: All I got to say is keep pushing
7:57am
Eric: My main goal in life is to develop a normal... well, not a normal, but a Canadian accent.
Hour 21: 8-9am (Picture: Socks For Supper, Merav’s favourite childhood book)
8:29am
Merav: Just having Paris Hilton’s name taped to my back makes me feel skanky.
Josh: You are skanky.
[not part of a scene]
8: 36am Eric: I thought you were about to start teabagging everyone spontaneously (not part of the scene)
8:40am: Arvind takes off sheets of paper--but leaves the sheep.
8:50am Arvind is a suicidal cigarette who smokes himself half to death and then stubs himself out in an act of desperation.
Hour 22: 9-10am (Picture: 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea)
9:06am
Storytell or die is down to Josh and Kirsten, and Arvind says they must tell the last story in the style of monkeys. Kirsten starts screeching in Josh’s face, to which he immediately replies: “Okay, you win.”
9:37am
Josh: Can I get a weird and wacky object that you’re not sure why it ever existed?
Andrew: The keeper!
Mariana: Hey, the keeper is fucking awesome, okay?
Josh: What’s the keeper?
Mariana: The keeper is a menstrual cup. Instead of tampons, which absorb blood, the keeper—
Josh: Okay, that’s enough of that. Can I have something you would find in a hornet’s nest, that isn’t hornets?
Mariana: What are you, twelve?!
Eric: We’re talking about Josh here.
9:38am
Arvind: Okay, on the count of three, we’ll all shout out, “Come back....” ...Who did we send out?
9:43am Noelle: Welcome to Imported Foods and Exotics Incorporated.
9:58am Owen (Carleton): Cleeeque...it’s a camera who doesn’t speak good English. Click!
9:59am Noelle: You just hit that pedestrian.
Owen: That’s ok, it’s only a Montreal pedestrian.
Noelle: Oh right, we’re allowed to hit three of them per day.
Owen: Just as long as we don’t turn right.
Hour 23: 10-11am (Picture: 1984)
10:17am
Mariana: Just be real.
Merav: More specific.
10:25am
Adam: “...and here we have Towtruck Jimmy”
10:27am
Adam: I plan to discuss it in my next book, Towtrucks: The Other White Man’s Burden.
10:37am: Number of NEW audience members to turn up since lockdown: 5!!!!!!!
10:42am
Merav: Can we get a new occupation? [for world’s worst]
Audience: Astronaut!
Merav: We’ve already done astronaut too many times in the last 24 hours.... Although it was excellent.
10:53am Merav: Hi Freddy Sr.... not yet.
Hour 24: 11am-12pm (Photo: The Wizard of Oz)
11:14 Noel: I’ve been thinking, about the Torah. It’s on a big scroll, right? So why don’t we have it on like a big LCD screen and it just scrolls down?
Josh: Oh my God this looks like a different religion altogether!
Noel: See those giant Hebrew characters? And I mean like Lenny and Zippy they’re real characters.
Noel: Ok we’ve got ourselves a problem. God sent us a bum TV!
11:22am
Mariana: Life is like venetian blinds, if you don’t like them, it’s curtains for you.
11:23am
Owen: Life is like a Rubik’s cube: so many colours, and none of them ever seem to work together.
Owen: Life is like a Rubik’s cube: it’s mass-produced cheaply in China.
Noel: Life is like a Rubik’s cube: if you go on the internet you can figure it out in 45 seconds.
11:36
Noel: Fortunately, I was an expert fisherman from my days on BassPro USA
Noel: (as a Whale-like man) Oh hi honey, i love you oooooowooowwwwwooo (whale noises!)
11:46
Josh: The Dead Sea - now you can walk on water too!
11:47
Josh: The Saraha Desert - no water to walk on here!
11:49
Marianna: Niagara Falls: it’s a place and a complete sentence.
Final photo: Animal Farm
I'm fairly busy wit' school and the like, so what I'll do is post the Vaganza Monologues, a blow by blow, hour by hour record of the funniest or most memorable lines of the entire 24 hours as recorded by the McGill and Carleton improv teams! What fun! I'll post a personal recollection of Vaganza from my point of view at a later date.
Enjoy!
~~~~~~~~~~~
The Vaganza Monologues 2006
Hour 1: 12pm-1pm (Photo: To Kill A Mockingbird)
12:15 pm: (during the alphabet game)
Andrew: Ahh...Strip club it is.
Bryan: (in Brittish accent)Titties and Ass.
12:30 pm: 3 crotch grabs already.
12:42pm: (during a manip about Andrew’s dead grandmother)
Andrew: She’s already infamous.
Bryan: Oh, what was her name?
Andrew: Betty..... Crocker.
12:46pm: (Adrienne is trying to buy a milk carton with a picture of Germany on it)
Adrienne: And what’s that a picture of?
Bryan: It’s a picture of your... conscience...
Adrienne: And...
Bryan: It has a swastika on it.
Adrienne: And what’s that around it?
Bryan: Hitler’s face.
12:50pm Bryan (as Arianne, the storekeeper):Are you anthropormorphizing storage structures?
12:55pm Ken: Susan, our entire relationship is based on you being blind and me being an asshole.
12:58 pm Ken gives Bryan the first circumcision of the day.
Hour 2: 1pm-2pm (Photo: Of Mice And Men)
Hour 3: 2pm-3pm (Photo: Harry Potter and The Philosopher’s Stone)
Hour 4: 3pm-4pm (Photo: How To Win Friends and Influence People)
3:30 pm Bryan: I’ve got a bum knee how do you explain that?
(to invisible birds)
*pause*
Jeremy: Oh... that’s a pretty good explanation.
3:32 pm Bryan :Yeah, bum knee.
Jeremy: Who’d you catch that from?
Bryan: The bricks.
3:36 Evan: I think he may be dead. I think he may have temporarily died to increase air resistance.
3:37pm Evan: Watch those corpses shooting down the mountainside!
3:39 (Detective scene, Bryan is the detective, the location is the Botanical Gardens)
Bryan enters scene with disgusted look on his face, waving his hand in front of his face
Jeremy enters scene smiling and smelling the air happily
Bryan: Sorry if I seem to be elsewhere, I’m being fondled by my assistant.
3:53
Bryan (In response to the audience suggestions): Uh, question from the players... what do those words mean?
3:55
Bryan: (in Musical Freeze): Wazabadabadoo...
Hour 5: 4-5pm (Photo: A Tale Of Two Cities)
4:04pm
Mariana (introducing arms debate): Can I get a non-controversial topic? ......I don’t know why we’d be debating a non-controversial topic, but....
4:09pm
Andrew: Ah, see, now she’s biting my fucking leg, are you happy?
4:23pm
Life is like... making fun of Andrew!
Adam: Life is like a watch: Andrew is too lazy to get his fixed.
Bryan: Life is like a watch: even Andrew’s is right twice a day.
Bryan: Life is like a tampon, and Andrew’s a big poo-poo head!’
4:34pm’
Andrew (old job new job, as judge who used to be a cowboy): I wish I knew how to acquit you.
4:52pm
Merav: It’s so difficult to be a sculptor. I mean how many guys care about what you do with your hands?
4:56pm
Josh:It’s like I’m bicycling but I’m not.
Hour 6: 5-6pm (Photo: Lord of the Flies)
5:50pm
Josh: Can I get a B-movie actor from the 80s? (best ask-for, EVER)
Audience: Dolph Lundgren!
5:55pm Ken to Adrienne: She thinks you’re a giant, linguistic acorn!
Hour 7: 6-7pm (Photo: A Million Little Pieces)
6:11pm
Marc: Uh... Pollen!!
6:31pm
Marc: Killer gums!
6:33pm
Bryan: Wait, there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation... I have a degree from Concordia!
6:40pm
Adam: Oh, Deacon. Come here. We need an old priest and a young priest. Well, you’re really a priest in training.
Bryan: Oh, I know what I am.
6:44pm
Bryan: You touched the priest in an inappropiate manner, and for a priest, that’s saying something.
6:48pm
There is a guy in the audience who is napping! napping! It’s not even 7!!!!!!!! I believe this is a first!
6:55 Bryan (World’s Worst gym teacher) Go fat kid go! Go fat kid go!
Bryan (World’s Worst gym teacher) Lookin’ cute Nancy!
Bryan (World’s Worst gym teacher) Lookin’ cute Raul!
6:59 Note from the audience: Goddammit! This is Mariana, and I just thought of another Life is Like for tampons! Life is like a tampon: it’s all about the vagina!
6:59 Adrienne: Here we have intelligent man. Intelligent man is very endangered.
Hour 8: 7-8pm (Photo: A Clockwork Orange)
7:05pm Noel (Carleton!) This will be a scene in Gibberish. Which I guess you call Quebecois...
7:21pm
Noel: You’re one of those upper-class, sense-of-entitlement jaywalkers!
7:29pm Abby: Remember the last time you tried to spin an elaborate scientific lie?!
7:45 Noel: Who’s going to need to chew gum 24 7? Hookers!
Eric: And people at vaganza!
Noel: What would catch the hooker’s attention? Money! We can make the package look like money!
7:52pm Owen: I am the amalgamated clone descendent of Pat Roberston, Bill O’Reilly, Queen Victoria and the Pope... and his first stripper.
7:55pm Abby (World’s Worst Whale) Kirsten, look at my sparkly spout! I’m Your Little Whale!
7:57pm
David (World’s worst construction worker): Aw, shit, we’re out of lego.
7:59pm Abby: Ok look Kirsten, I’ve lined up all our construction helmests, taken hamsters, put glue on their feet, and now they’re going to race and we’ll see who gets to the other side of the room first!
Kirsten: You’re a monster!
Hour 9: 8-9pm (Photo: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish)
8:13pm
I see that you got the Diggus Alloverus””says Marc refering to moles.
8:18pm Nikki: In order to be in this business you have to be very organized and I can see that you’re not organized.
Bryan: Oh come on...
Nikki: Oh come on! Your fly’s undone...that’s not very organized.
8:22pm
Marc giving the rubber chicken mouth-to-beak resuscitation
8:26pm
Vinny: Hi! Welcome to beautiful PEI!
Bryan: Wow... It looks just like New Brunswick.
Vinny: I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.
8:31pm
Nikki: Wow, you guys look great.
Marc: Thanks, we just got back from the most amazing sex. On money.
8:51pm
Nikki: You know, communication doesn’t always have to be about words; It can be about touching too...
Hour 10: 9-10pm (Photo: Paradise Lost)
9:05pm
Ilya: Like any respected Host, i like my bitches and my hoes.
9:10pm
Ilya (introducing scene): (Pointing to Melanie) Okay, you’re going to be moving Maryam, She won’t be able to move. (Pointing to Owen from CIA) You’re going to be moving Melanie, she won’t be able to move.
9:23pm
Maryam: I know I know you feel: your space is being invaded. But think about how invaded your space will be when I stick that dagger in your face.
9:30pm
[Adrienne space jumps on, wielding a knife]
Josh: It was Andrew!
Ilya: Andrew, I told you not to steal from the Arab market!
9:36pm
Maryam: First, you need to get to Mars.
Ilya: We’re on Mars.
Maryam: Good.
9:42pm
Adrienne: Sir, I would like to buy a weiner.
9:43pm
Ilya: Wait, Tuesdays are when explosions happen!
Andrew (as Narrator): Wait wait wait, that’s too corny, I can’t use the title of the book in the first chapter!
Hour 11: 10-11pm (Photo: The Hobbit)
10:28pm
Ken: Instead of saying you’re out,..it says the other thing. What’s the other thing? (silence...)
10:31pm
Adam: Woah. Bambie’s also the costume change woman?
Mariana (who is a stripper): What? So I know a lot about taking clothes off quickly.
that is one happy red endogenous dove sparrow! (mariana 1045)
10:49
Adam: how much those pants cost you?
Jeremy: uhh...
Adam: if the answer is one tire, the answer is correct!
Arvind ( as jeremy’s thought): but these are the pants my father gave me on his death bed...
10:54pm (during 187 ‘platypuses’)
Mariana: 187 platypodes...
Ken: What?
Mariana: That’s the fucking plural, I’m a linguist.
10:55pm: I don’t know what he has to do with this race, but that was good. (Ken then flashes the audience and runs off stage)
10:57pm (While playing freeze)
Jeremy: FREEZE! (While in the actual scene...)
Hour 12: 11-12 (Photo: Heart of Darkness)
11:05pm
Josh: Oh, yeah that... I mean ARRRRG! Because I’m still angry!
11:13pm
Z: Don’t you have any other bandanas? You can’t have only one.
Andrew: Yes. This is the only one. It’s called Bandana Store, not Bandanas Store. My brother runs that.
11:22pm
Josh: caterpillers are fun, it’s their distant cousins that are bitches!
11:25pm: Merav: Are you an... English teacher?
Andrew: Non.
11:28pm
Josh: We were in Paris together. How come you left me?
Andrew: Well, I was on vacation and then I came home.
Josh: But with you it was like a party in my mouth and everyone is invited. (Trying to get someone to guess making out.)
11:37pm Josh (World’s Worst Dentist) Ok open wide... GAH! What are those white things?!
11:40pm Merav: 187 parking meters walk into a bar. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ....
11:51 PM Andrew: C’mon over here Jenny, Beta says its ok.
11:55pm
Ilya (commentating on the olympics of pancake making): And we see her now, putting on her goggles, because that syrup can get all up in your grill.
Hour 13: 12-1am (Photo: Life of Pi)
12:19pm
Mariana: Ma’am— I mean, sir.
Z: I am a single father. I know we’re a rare breed. But we cling to our masculinity like barnacles on a ship.
12:32 Adrienne - “You know, I think I could really go for a pickle.”
12:37 Chris “Life is like a sharp knife - take it on the plane at your own risk”
12:52am
Mariana: Can I get a non-sexual relationship between two people
Audience: Sorority sisters!
Ilya: That’s pseudo-sexual.
Hour 14: 1-2am (Photo: Cat In The Hat)
Ken: I couldn’t help but overhear that you have a broken squirrel vacuum. I have just the thing: nature! Because nature abhors a vacuum. Abhor! Abhor!
Josh: As you can see, it’s perfectly safe to put my head into this lion’s mouth...
Josh: [a few seconds later] As you can see, it’s perfectly safe to call for an ambulance...
1:53 am
I carved this for you out of a peice of wood, it’s a tree trunk! (Ken as world’s worst carver.)
Hour 15: 2-3am (Photo: Stephen King’s It)
2:18 Noel: So what would you like, we’ve got a psychedelic soup with lots of flavours and colours or we’ve got, uh, steak.
2:40 am:
“melbourne! where even the genitalia are upside down!” Noel with city slogans
Hour 16: 3-4am (Photo: Moby Dick)
3:36 - Eric: It’s something you think about in general and often
Owen: Pornography?
3:45 - Noel: We need a dead celebrity
Mariana: Marilyn Monroe
Maryam: Yup, she’s dead.
3:52 - Kirsten: Hey, you really smell like nuts.
Hour 17: 4-5am (Photo: The Da Vinci Code)
4:26am
Andrew: I think we’re being clapped off.
4:29am: Josh suggests doing a scene accompanied by him on the tam-tam and Noelle on the harp. Andrew’s head explodes.
4:39am: Josh doesn’t know who Mussolini is, either.
4:44am
Josh (during questions only): I think I killed her! Wait, that’s not a question.
Hour 18: 5-6am (Photo: Goosebumps— all of them)
5:39am: Owen from Carleton is doing freestyle poetry.
5:43am
Merav: Captain, we have a ship heading for us at 20,000 light... miles... per second.
5:50am
During 3 headed interview, Andrew is seen walking by in the background drinking coffee (...and he’s not even in this hour...)
5:51am
By now everyone is wearing jackets and hats due to the extreme cold seeping through the boarded up window that is in the process of being fixed.
Hour 19: 6-7am (Photo: War and Peace)
6:23am
Audience: (during a manip) Are we supposed to be ‘oohing’ now? I wasn’t here for the selection process.
6:30am
Mariana, Adam, and Noelle are having a menage a trois in the front row.
6:47am
Andrew (guessing during a manip): Religious.... tracts?
Audience: [cheers]
Andrew: What the hell is a religious tract?
Mariana: Ha! A word that Andrew doesn’t know!
Ken: Yeah, why don’t you go play Scrabble?
(Best part of this whole scene was the sad/tired/confused look on Andrew’s face as he stood there and appended the word religious to everything suggested. “Religious... iPods? Religious tractors?”)
6:59am
Ken is trying to get ‘Goldie Hawn’ in a manipulation, and Arvind, Josh, and Andrew are doing a terrible job getting him to guess.
Ken: Well, this is gold material, gentlemen.
Andrew: YES! It is!
Ken: Oohhhhh.... Goldie Hawn.
Hour 20: 7-8am (Photo: Little Women)
7:12am: Mariana and Adam have cracked, and are just jabbering madly to each other on stage (Coffee of Doom!). Josh and Eric are valiantly trying to play Deaths in a Minute over the noise.
7:13am: Mariana and Adam are back to normal.
7:13am (Deaths in a minute on the moon)
Adam: I’ve discovered water on the moon....... TSUNAMI! (still too soon)
7:40am
Eric: All I got to say is keep pushing
7:57am
Eric: My main goal in life is to develop a normal... well, not a normal, but a Canadian accent.
Hour 21: 8-9am (Picture: Socks For Supper, Merav’s favourite childhood book)
8:29am
Merav: Just having Paris Hilton’s name taped to my back makes me feel skanky.
Josh: You are skanky.
[not part of a scene]
8: 36am Eric: I thought you were about to start teabagging everyone spontaneously (not part of the scene)
8:40am: Arvind takes off sheets of paper--but leaves the sheep.
8:50am Arvind is a suicidal cigarette who smokes himself half to death and then stubs himself out in an act of desperation.
Hour 22: 9-10am (Picture: 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea)
9:06am
Storytell or die is down to Josh and Kirsten, and Arvind says they must tell the last story in the style of monkeys. Kirsten starts screeching in Josh’s face, to which he immediately replies: “Okay, you win.”
9:37am
Josh: Can I get a weird and wacky object that you’re not sure why it ever existed?
Andrew: The keeper!
Mariana: Hey, the keeper is fucking awesome, okay?
Josh: What’s the keeper?
Mariana: The keeper is a menstrual cup. Instead of tampons, which absorb blood, the keeper—
Josh: Okay, that’s enough of that. Can I have something you would find in a hornet’s nest, that isn’t hornets?
Mariana: What are you, twelve?!
Eric: We’re talking about Josh here.
9:38am
Arvind: Okay, on the count of three, we’ll all shout out, “Come back....” ...Who did we send out?
9:43am Noelle: Welcome to Imported Foods and Exotics Incorporated.
9:58am Owen (Carleton): Cleeeque...it’s a camera who doesn’t speak good English. Click!
9:59am Noelle: You just hit that pedestrian.
Owen: That’s ok, it’s only a Montreal pedestrian.
Noelle: Oh right, we’re allowed to hit three of them per day.
Owen: Just as long as we don’t turn right.
Hour 23: 10-11am (Picture: 1984)
10:17am
Mariana: Just be real.
Merav: More specific.
10:25am
Adam: “...and here we have Towtruck Jimmy”
10:27am
Adam: I plan to discuss it in my next book, Towtrucks: The Other White Man’s Burden.
10:37am: Number of NEW audience members to turn up since lockdown: 5!!!!!!!
10:42am
Merav: Can we get a new occupation? [for world’s worst]
Audience: Astronaut!
Merav: We’ve already done astronaut too many times in the last 24 hours.... Although it was excellent.
10:53am Merav: Hi Freddy Sr.... not yet.
Hour 24: 11am-12pm (Photo: The Wizard of Oz)
11:14 Noel: I’ve been thinking, about the Torah. It’s on a big scroll, right? So why don’t we have it on like a big LCD screen and it just scrolls down?
Josh: Oh my God this looks like a different religion altogether!
Noel: See those giant Hebrew characters? And I mean like Lenny and Zippy they’re real characters.
Noel: Ok we’ve got ourselves a problem. God sent us a bum TV!
11:22am
Mariana: Life is like venetian blinds, if you don’t like them, it’s curtains for you.
11:23am
Owen: Life is like a Rubik’s cube: so many colours, and none of them ever seem to work together.
Owen: Life is like a Rubik’s cube: it’s mass-produced cheaply in China.
Noel: Life is like a Rubik’s cube: if you go on the internet you can figure it out in 45 seconds.
11:36
Noel: Fortunately, I was an expert fisherman from my days on BassPro USA
Noel: (as a Whale-like man) Oh hi honey, i love you oooooowooowwwwwooo (whale noises!)
11:46
Josh: The Dead Sea - now you can walk on water too!
11:47
Josh: The Saraha Desert - no water to walk on here!
11:49
Marianna: Niagara Falls: it’s a place and a complete sentence.
Final photo: Animal Farm
posted by Billy Ruffian at 12:03 a.m.
2 Comments:
Such a good time. I really think that the monologues are all the summary of vaganza that's necessary. You Carleton people were excellent performers and a lot of fun to spend a night with. Hopefully we can make it up to Carleton for another one of your shows (presuming you have some left in the year!)
~Noelle from McGill
Yes, we are planning to have one more show this month. Please try and make it! We really enjoyed coming up for Vaganza! thanks for dropping by the ol' blog, hope you come again soon.
Post a Comment
<< Home