Wednesday, March 29, 2006


Things getting steadily more tolerable.

Began my english essay today, in that I wrote the outline and marked all the page references I am going to use with them handy lil' post-it-notes.

I would prefer it if they were called Stick-em's.

Applying for jobs at the local SDM and whatnot, and on the requisite government websites for Federal, Provincial, Municipal and MOO-nicipal jobs. I hope I don't get offered a job at MOO-nicipal court. Those cows know how to litigate.

It would rawk if I got a job at the ol' LCBO or the Beer Store, but they aren't hiring at the moment. Blast. Those jobs are unionized, so they're protected and are really stable. It also means that if I want a job there I'll probably have to wait until someone dies or gets canned for massive corruption/theft, and unless these LCBO or Beer Store employees are members of the liberal party, I don't reckon that's likely.

My friend Frank Meness is running for Chief of the Anishnabeg nation next year. I hope he wins. Frank, who as an assistant land claims negotiator, has sat on the tribal council for a few years, is an experienced family man who just finished his graduate studies at Carleton University and recently had the privilege of welcoming Chiefs from all over Canada to Gatineau for a conference of, you guessed it, aboriginal chiefs.

Frank said he'd keep an eye out for any job applications I filled out and flag them if they came his way. He also said that I'm a good guy and that anytime I'd like a letter of recommendation, then I could have one from him. People like Frank (That's Mr. Meness to everyone else!) are the salt of the earth, they give with both hands and ask only for hard work and good attitudes.

From the way he described them to me, he's got a beautiful family too. Now don't that just beat all, eh?

His buddy Kirk is pretty cool too. They hang out with some dude that looks like Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. I secretly suspect that this one white guy they hang around with did some pretty hardcore, fucked up shit to be allowed to hang around with them. Maybe he killed Sasquatch with his bare hands and that got it on with Mrs. Sasquatch. Now that's what I call taking one for the team.

Dad's much better, but still isn't back to work. he is chafing to get back into action, by which I mean his desk. No, Dad isn't a line officer anymore. Though his efforts to design mine detection systems to make our Oceans safer (you wouldn't believe how many sea mines are still out there from World War One, not to mention World War Two, in the range of hundreds of thousands) are necessary for safer trade and maritime defence, I think he wishes he could still sail the seas as master of a ship in Her Majesty's Royal Canadian Navy.

But Dad got to have his own command, actually, he got to have several commands in his career. Ambition fulfilled.

But I digress.

Things are getting steadily better for me.

Friday, March 24, 2006

New show dates

Hey everyone, Don't forget to check out the great shows coming up next month!


7:30 pm at Mike's Place
Carleton University, second floor unicentre,
Outside the food court and under the new stairs

The Carleton Improv Association is pleased to present the YEAR END 'PROV! Come one, come all to the C.I.A.'s farewell salute to the 2005/2006 academic year. With such memorable veteran 'provers such as Eric Rosenhek of CKCU's Thursday Morning Blend, Captain Noel Waghorn, David Underwood (no, he's not a hobbit) and rising stars such as Chris Hannay and Abi Bimman, who each already have their own established fan base.

Don't forget to come out and cheer on all the new members of the C.I.A., Will the Thrill, Tim Rose, Claire Biddiscombe, Kirsten Dutch-12, and Nova Scotian Laura.

Come as we celebrate the year with old favourites from our traditional lineup as well as new and exotic MOOOOOOOONNNNNNTREAL GAMES, courtesy of our good buddies at McGill Improv, who we hope will come by.


Capital Slam
featuring the 2006 Montreal Slam Team:
Kaie Kellough, Lady Katalyst,Jason Selman & Aliyah Thomas
8 p.m.
Gap of Dunloe - 263 Bank Street


FreeStylz Release Party

8 p.m. - Babylon, 317 Bank Street

Local filmmaker Tasha Waldron release her 28-minute "danceumentary" on freestyle and street dance both past and present. Join Yardiz and Verse-a-tyle, two of the groups featured in the film, along with DJ Bojangles and Tru Sound, for a memorable night in tribute to urban dance. $7 at the door. Read more about this event in the Ottawa Xpress.


John Akpata CD Release Party

7 p.m. - Mercury Lounge, 56 Byward St. in the Market

Join John and an amazing line-up of musicians and special guests including Garmamie Sideau, Rob Pelletier, JOKKO's Usman Ali Khan and Abdu Sy, Soul Jazz Orchestra's Steve Patterson and Zach Frantz, and Adam Saikaley of As The Poets Affirm for the official release party for the critically acclaimed CD Kerheb. The party includes a projection show, prize giveaways and more! $5 at the door.

Thursday, March 23, 2006


I'm D-O-N-E Mofos!

Well, not really, I still have 3 exams and one essay. But it's an english essay, for an english essay all you have to do is write down your feelings basically. And come on... it's only 3 exams, Roman History, Soviet Foreign Affairs and Classical Myth.

I've noticed my workload actually get quantitatively smaller bit by bit and qualitatively harder by leaps and bounds with each passing semester. I suppose they design it that way. Needless to say, I have finished a very trying ordeal. I wrote a F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S Soviet Foreign Affairs essay having to reconstruct six weeks notes within a span of about 4 days. I'm not sure how I did it, but I did. Thankfully, I got the rough work requirement waived, so I don't have to turn in the notes I took, which aren't that much save an outline and page numbers.

I also, for all intensive purposes, finished my Historical Theory and Method class with the completion of a mid-term this monday. Since I have no exam for this class and the essay is handed in, I'm done and technically don't have to go to class. But I will, for the participation points in my TA group. I really took it on the chin for that class. Handed in a good essay late and showed up and hurriedly wrote a mid-term that I never wanted to write. I sped through it and got the hell outta there. I'm guessing C+ as my grade on that test. B- overall I'm hoping for.

Yeah, with Dad going into the hospital and his recovery... my dedication to scholarship kinda had to take one for the team. I've been really lost and lonely. But I went out into the desert and came out alive, as it were. Just one of those tests of life that make you a man I suppose.

Good news. On Tuesday I wrote a Roman History test that I know I aced. I know it. I wrote a Rock Star test, which is the one good thing I'm taking out of this. Unforutunately, I had to ditch class to come home and work on my paper, but given the past few weeks... well... I'm willing to let myself off the hook and not beat myself up too much about it. I'm sure the Emperor Nero can get along fine without me.

More Good news. Guess who proofread my essay tonight? That's right, MY DAD! He's up and about and while he's still rough around the edges, he feels well enough to watch TV, play computer games (ok, Computer Game, Civilization III to be specific) and proofread papers. Being a line officer for the longest time hasn't made Dad into an idiot. Now that he's a staff officer at the Department of National Defence, he has to do alot of paperwork and he is fully skilled in spotting errors, slaying dangling participles and eliminating superflous language. That's right, my Dad is a terminator, but for every word he takes out, a ton of clarity is inserted.

Ever since he started proofreading my papers, I've been getting A-'s, A's and B+'s. So yeah, why not let him eh? Sometimes letting someone take a hatchet to your words is the best thing you can do, and since I trust my Dad more than anyone, who better than him to destroy my wordiness?

What a hellish month. But now I can look forward to leisurely classes, a relaxed study schedule for exams in mid-late April (So... Much... Time... To... Study...), an improv show and poetry slams.

Not only that, but I'm taking summer classes this year! That means no boring summer for me. I should have done this ages ago. Nothing keeps you sharper, like learning over the summer.

Having a minor in Classics is gonna kick ass I reckon. Next year I'll be doing seminars. Hope there are some good ones. But since they've changed the curriculum at Carleton, I'll only have to take two instead of three. That leaves me more freedom to take a course I might like.

This good feeling I have is only outweighed by my own fatigue and backpain. It's as if all the crap that's been on my shoulders the whole last while has just finally dropped off and damn man... it's exhausting. I'm pooped. S'pose I'd better go to bed.

I'll post up some poetry and improv shows you won't want to miss tomorrow. Seeya!

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Hands march across the face
Tick Tock
Spaces places faces
Invented races
Separated by two social constructs
Male, female
Women and men
You are not the sum of your genitals
Fucker, sucker
Screw, having sex, making babies
Filling up wombs with babies
She didn’t want to, but he had his way
Rape, Rapine and Murder
Investigator, defecator
Supreme instigator
More spaces, places, faces
More invented races
Excuses exterminate as thoroughly as bullets
Bullets, bones and splattered brains
From Papa Doc to cattle trains
Peddling flesh
Want it live, gotta pay the dime
So it can put in the time
Suck your cock or wash yer rocks
Or pull your plantings out the ground
So we can drink some coffee ‘fore the morning rounds
Then talk shop, talk chop
Talk about our kids in daycare
Playing hopscotch on pavement chalk
Someone be peddling their flesh one day
Someone be exterminating them one day
Someone be raping them one day
Murdering them, separating them, denying them
Assigning them spaces, places, faces
Based on the contents of their pants
Their skin, their true believing?
In the name of a bureaucracy nobody enjoys
Except hooker 1 and hooker 2
The temple, the church, and the tabernacle
Clinging to my wallet like a barnacle
Carnival of errors
The hands march across the face of the clock
Tick Tock, Tick Tock, there’s always a time to kill
In spaces, places and faces
Destroy those invented races and shed not two tears, but one, so that everyone knows you care.

Friday, March 17, 2006


Soviet history, more than just a dialectic?

Thursday, March 16, 2006


My Dad is home and all is right with the world for the moment.

Thank you to everyone who helped me through this difficult time.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Crappy Crappy Crappy Ass

The title says it all.

I'll start with good news. My Dad is alot better. He'll be in the hospital a few more days, but the outlook is positive and hopeful.

So that's good and makes me happy.

On to the crap.

My life has just gotten so shitty so fast it's unbelievable.

All month, people have been hurting my feelings, my friends and I have fought (most distressing of all was when I fought with Abigail, which I didn't want to do at all because she was only trying to help), my Dad's in the hospital, Josee broke up with me this time last year, I'm tired all the time, I'm still a little sick, I had to hand in my theory paper late and take a deduction and to top it all off...

Essentially my situation is this: I completed all my research for an essay weeks ago and kept it on my disk until I needed it. I placed my disk into my computer to work on my essay and now it won't read my disk and asks me if I want to format it. Since formatting it would erase all the data on it, I'm in quite a quandary.

The data is gone. What? It's gone. Finito. Done. Dead, all gone. 18 pages of notes compiled over a period of 6 weeks. Gone.

It worked fine yesterday on the Carleton library computers. The only thing I did there was write the title page, my introduction and then divide all my notes up by author into seperate word files so I wouldn't be working in one long, unwieldy document.

I heard from a friend, the lovely Justine Elamatha, (sorry everyone, she's outta your league) that the Carleton computers have been fucking with people's data. Like wiping their stuff when people are trying to save. I think that might have fucked up my disk.

Therefore, I'm afraid I have no alternative but to ask for an extension, and it's all Carleton university's fault.

Well... not entirely.... I was very stupid. I backed up the notes for ALL my essays EXCEPT this one. I could have saved myself a great deal of trouble by taking the time to open all these files a week ago and hitting SAVE TO C:MYDOCUMENTS

Still... I was very pissed off.

However, I am no longer angry or sad. Just used to the fact I have to do this stuff all over again. I have sent an email to my prof and left him a phone message at his office. I hope to hear from him soon about a possible extension. Hopefully, he won't get on me for not backing up the files and grilling me to make me feel bad in exchange for an extension. I've never had to ask for an extension before... I've had some friends who've gotten the third degree from profs in exchange for a measly two days. Not nice. Not nice at all.

To top it off, next week I have not one, but two midterms. Yikes. So essentially what was to be a relatively fun and easy essay to write has no become the most difficult assignment I have yet to face. Oh boy.

I remain positive to the utmost though. It's times like these when you seperate the boys from the boyz to men.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Wherein My Dad has to go to the hospital

About 10 minutes after I left for school today, my Dad had to be taken to the emergency room by my Mom. Mom is a nervous driver. She's just nervy over all, and she HATES driving in my Dad's car. She doesn't know how to adjust the seat.

But she drove him to the hospital, where he collapsed in the emergency room.

My Dad had cancer you see. Colon Cancer. He had it removed when I was in high school. There was a long painful recovery.

He had a stent changed yesterday. After he had his colon removed, they put this little tube, called a stent, into him and it regulates the amount of bile that the Liver dumps into his shorter digestive tract (which is shorter because, hey, no colon) If too much bile goes in, he gets sick and then dies. But the stent has to be changed every 10 months. He got it changed yesterday, but it got infected. He's on Anti-biotics now and painkillers too. I hope he's asleep and not in pain right now.

I feel so bad for not being here. It's not my fault, but he was feeling so rough this morning. I wish I had known he was so sick.

It hit me. This is how my Dad is going to die. One day, he'll just collapse as a consequence of having had his body put back together after the cancer... and he'll die.

I hope that however I die, it will be quick.

I hope I'm there next time. I'd want to be there for him, so he wouldn't have to die alone.

I was gonna put up my Vaganza experience, but I'm having a hard time remembering it. If you look at the links, I think you'll find that Budman posted an excellent summary of the event, and I'm sure my buddy the Hek, who is also in the links, will render an accurate portrayal as well.

Needless to say. Vaganza was a blast.

Now I have to find someway to get this Postmodernist essay written.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

The Vaganza Monologues

Okay y'all, here's the skinny.

I'm fairly busy wit' school and the like, so what I'll do is post the Vaganza Monologues, a blow by blow, hour by hour record of the funniest or most memorable lines of the entire 24 hours as recorded by the McGill and Carleton improv teams! What fun! I'll post a personal recollection of Vaganza from my point of view at a later date.



The Vaganza Monologues 2006

Hour 1: 12pm-1pm (Photo: To Kill A Mockingbird)
12:15 pm: (during the alphabet game)
Andrew: Ahh...Strip club it is.
Bryan: (in Brittish accent)Titties and Ass.

12:30 pm: 3 crotch grabs already.

12:42pm: (during a manip about Andrew’s dead grandmother)
Andrew: She’s already infamous.
Bryan: Oh, what was her name?
Andrew: Betty..... Crocker.

12:46pm: (Adrienne is trying to buy a milk carton with a picture of Germany on it)
Adrienne: And what’s that a picture of?
Bryan: It’s a picture of your... conscience...
Adrienne: And...
Bryan: It has a swastika on it.
Adrienne: And what’s that around it?
Bryan: Hitler’s face.

12:50pm Bryan (as Arianne, the storekeeper):Are you anthropormorphizing storage structures?

12:55pm Ken: Susan, our entire relationship is based on you being blind and me being an asshole.

12:58 pm Ken gives Bryan the first circumcision of the day.

Hour 2: 1pm-2pm (Photo: Of Mice And Men)

Hour 3: 2pm-3pm (Photo: Harry Potter and The Philosopher’s Stone)

Hour 4: 3pm-4pm (Photo: How To Win Friends and Influence People)

3:30 pm Bryan: I’ve got a bum knee how do you explain that?
(to invisible birds)
Jeremy: Oh... that’s a pretty good explanation.

3:32 pm Bryan :Yeah, bum knee.
Jeremy: Who’d you catch that from?
Bryan: The bricks.

3:36 Evan: I think he may be dead. I think he may have temporarily died to increase air resistance.

3:37pm Evan: Watch those corpses shooting down the mountainside!

3:39 (Detective scene, Bryan is the detective, the location is the Botanical Gardens)
Bryan enters scene with disgusted look on his face, waving his hand in front of his face
Jeremy enters scene smiling and smelling the air happily

Bryan: Sorry if I seem to be elsewhere, I’m being fondled by my assistant.

Bryan (In response to the audience suggestions): Uh, question from the players... what do those words mean?

Bryan: (in Musical Freeze): Wazabadabadoo...

Hour 5: 4-5pm (Photo: A Tale Of Two Cities)

Mariana (introducing arms debate): Can I get a non-controversial topic? ......I don’t know why we’d be debating a non-controversial topic, but....

Andrew: Ah, see, now she’s biting my fucking leg, are you happy?

Life is like... making fun of Andrew!
Adam: Life is like a watch: Andrew is too lazy to get his fixed.
Bryan: Life is like a watch: even Andrew’s is right twice a day.
Bryan: Life is like a tampon, and Andrew’s a big poo-poo head!’

Andrew (old job new job, as judge who used to be a cowboy): I wish I knew how to acquit you.

Merav: It’s so difficult to be a sculptor. I mean how many guys care about what you do with your hands?
Josh:It’s like I’m bicycling but I’m not.

Hour 6: 5-6pm (Photo: Lord of the Flies)

Josh: Can I get a B-movie actor from the 80s? (best ask-for, EVER)
Audience: Dolph Lundgren!

5:55pm Ken to Adrienne: She thinks you’re a giant, linguistic acorn!

Hour 7: 6-7pm (Photo: A Million Little Pieces)

Marc: Uh... Pollen!!

Marc: Killer gums!

Bryan: Wait, there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation... I have a degree from Concordia!

Adam: Oh, Deacon. Come here. We need an old priest and a young priest. Well, you’re really a priest in training.
Bryan: Oh, I know what I am.

Bryan: You touched the priest in an inappropiate manner, and for a priest, that’s saying something.

There is a guy in the audience who is napping! napping! It’s not even 7!!!!!!!! I believe this is a first!

6:55 Bryan (World’s Worst gym teacher) Go fat kid go! Go fat kid go!
Bryan (World’s Worst gym teacher) Lookin’ cute Nancy!
Bryan (World’s Worst gym teacher) Lookin’ cute Raul!

6:59 Note from the audience: Goddammit! This is Mariana, and I just thought of another Life is Like for tampons! Life is like a tampon: it’s all about the vagina!

6:59 Adrienne: Here we have intelligent man. Intelligent man is very endangered.

Hour 8: 7-8pm (Photo: A Clockwork Orange)

7:05pm Noel (Carleton!) This will be a scene in Gibberish. Which I guess you call Quebecois...

Noel: You’re one of those upper-class, sense-of-entitlement jaywalkers!

7:29pm Abby: Remember the last time you tried to spin an elaborate scientific lie?!

7:45 Noel: Who’s going to need to chew gum 24 7? Hookers!
Eric: And people at vaganza!

Noel: What would catch the hooker’s attention? Money! We can make the package look like money!

7:52pm Owen: I am the amalgamated clone descendent of Pat Roberston, Bill O’Reilly, Queen Victoria and the Pope... and his first stripper.

7:55pm Abby (World’s Worst Whale) Kirsten, look at my sparkly spout! I’m Your Little Whale!

David (World’s worst construction worker): Aw, shit, we’re out of lego.

7:59pm Abby: Ok look Kirsten, I’ve lined up all our construction helmests, taken hamsters, put glue on their feet, and now they’re going to race and we’ll see who gets to the other side of the room first!
Kirsten: You’re a monster!

Hour 9: 8-9pm (Photo: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish)

I see that you got the Diggus Alloverus””says Marc refering to moles.

8:18pm Nikki: In order to be in this business you have to be very organized and I can see that you’re not organized.
Bryan: Oh come on...
Nikki: Oh come on! Your fly’s undone...that’s not very organized.

Marc giving the rubber chicken mouth-to-beak resuscitation

Vinny: Hi! Welcome to beautiful PEI!
Bryan: Wow... It looks just like New Brunswick.
Vinny: I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.

Nikki: Wow, you guys look great.
Marc: Thanks, we just got back from the most amazing sex. On money.

Nikki: You know, communication doesn’t always have to be about words; It can be about touching too...

Hour 10: 9-10pm (Photo: Paradise Lost)

Ilya: Like any respected Host, i like my bitches and my hoes.

Ilya (introducing scene): (Pointing to Melanie) Okay, you’re going to be moving Maryam, She won’t be able to move. (Pointing to Owen from CIA) You’re going to be moving Melanie, she won’t be able to move.

Maryam: I know I know you feel: your space is being invaded. But think about how invaded your space will be when I stick that dagger in your face.

[Adrienne space jumps on, wielding a knife]
Josh: It was Andrew!
Ilya: Andrew, I told you not to steal from the Arab market!

Maryam: First, you need to get to Mars.
Ilya: We’re on Mars.
Maryam: Good.

Adrienne: Sir, I would like to buy a weiner.

Ilya: Wait, Tuesdays are when explosions happen!
Andrew (as Narrator): Wait wait wait, that’s too corny, I can’t use the title of the book in the first chapter!

Hour 11: 10-11pm (Photo: The Hobbit)

Ken: Instead of saying you’re out, says the other thing. What’s the other thing? (silence...)

Adam: Woah. Bambie’s also the costume change woman?
Mariana (who is a stripper): What? So I know a lot about taking clothes off quickly.

that is one happy red endogenous dove sparrow! (mariana 1045)

Adam: how much those pants cost you?
Jeremy: uhh...
Adam: if the answer is one tire, the answer is correct!
Arvind ( as jeremy’s thought): but these are the pants my father gave me on his death bed...

10:54pm (during 187 ‘platypuses’)
Mariana: 187 platypodes...
Ken: What?
Mariana: That’s the fucking plural, I’m a linguist.

10:55pm: I don’t know what he has to do with this race, but that was good. (Ken then flashes the audience and runs off stage)

10:57pm (While playing freeze)
Jeremy: FREEZE! (While in the actual scene...)

Hour 12: 11-12 (Photo: Heart of Darkness)
Josh: Oh, yeah that... I mean ARRRRG! Because I’m still angry!

Z: Don’t you have any other bandanas? You can’t have only one.
Andrew: Yes. This is the only one. It’s called Bandana Store, not Bandanas Store. My brother runs that.

Josh: caterpillers are fun, it’s their distant cousins that are bitches!

11:25pm: Merav: Are you an... English teacher?
Andrew: Non.

Josh: We were in Paris together. How come you left me?
Andrew: Well, I was on vacation and then I came home.
Josh: But with you it was like a party in my mouth and everyone is invited. (Trying to get someone to guess making out.)

11:37pm Josh (World’s Worst Dentist) Ok open wide... GAH! What are those white things?!

11:40pm Merav: 187 parking meters walk into a bar. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ....

11:51 PM Andrew: C’mon over here Jenny, Beta says its ok.

Ilya (commentating on the olympics of pancake making): And we see her now, putting on her goggles, because that syrup can get all up in your grill.

Hour 13: 12-1am (Photo: Life of Pi)

Mariana: Ma’am— I mean, sir.
Z: I am a single father. I know we’re a rare breed. But we cling to our masculinity like barnacles on a ship.

12:32 Adrienne - “You know, I think I could really go for a pickle.”

12:37 Chris “Life is like a sharp knife - take it on the plane at your own risk”

Mariana: Can I get a non-sexual relationship between two people
Audience: Sorority sisters!
Ilya: That’s pseudo-sexual.

Hour 14: 1-2am (Photo: Cat In The Hat)

Ken: I couldn’t help but overhear that you have a broken squirrel vacuum. I have just the thing: nature! Because nature abhors a vacuum. Abhor! Abhor!

Josh: As you can see, it’s perfectly safe to put my head into this lion’s mouth...
Josh: [a few seconds later] As you can see, it’s perfectly safe to call for an ambulance...

1:53 am
I carved this for you out of a peice of wood, it’s a tree trunk! (Ken as world’s worst carver.)

Hour 15: 2-3am (Photo: Stephen King’s It)

2:18 Noel: So what would you like, we’ve got a psychedelic soup with lots of flavours and colours or we’ve got, uh, steak.

2:40 am:
“melbourne! where even the genitalia are upside down!” Noel with city slogans

Hour 16: 3-4am (Photo: Moby Dick)

3:36 - Eric: It’s something you think about in general and often
Owen: Pornography?

3:45 - Noel: We need a dead celebrity
Mariana: Marilyn Monroe
Maryam: Yup, she’s dead.

3:52 - Kirsten: Hey, you really smell like nuts.

Hour 17: 4-5am (Photo: The Da Vinci Code)

Andrew: I think we’re being clapped off.

4:29am: Josh suggests doing a scene accompanied by him on the tam-tam and Noelle on the harp. Andrew’s head explodes.

4:39am: Josh doesn’t know who Mussolini is, either.

Josh (during questions only): I think I killed her! Wait, that’s not a question.

Hour 18: 5-6am (Photo: Goosebumps— all of them)

5:39am: Owen from Carleton is doing freestyle poetry.

Merav: Captain, we have a ship heading for us at 20,000 light... miles... per second.

During 3 headed interview, Andrew is seen walking by in the background drinking coffee (...and he’s not even in this hour...)

By now everyone is wearing jackets and hats due to the extreme cold seeping through the boarded up window that is in the process of being fixed.

Hour 19: 6-7am (Photo: War and Peace)

Audience: (during a manip) Are we supposed to be ‘oohing’ now? I wasn’t here for the selection process.

Mariana, Adam, and Noelle are having a menage a trois in the front row.

Andrew (guessing during a manip): Religious.... tracts?
Audience: [cheers]
Andrew: What the hell is a religious tract?
Mariana: Ha! A word that Andrew doesn’t know!
Ken: Yeah, why don’t you go play Scrabble?
(Best part of this whole scene was the sad/tired/confused look on Andrew’s face as he stood there and appended the word religious to everything suggested. “Religious... iPods? Religious tractors?”)

Ken is trying to get ‘Goldie Hawn’ in a manipulation, and Arvind, Josh, and Andrew are doing a terrible job getting him to guess.
Ken: Well, this is gold material, gentlemen.
Andrew: YES! It is!
Ken: Oohhhhh.... Goldie Hawn.

Hour 20: 7-8am (Photo: Little Women)

7:12am: Mariana and Adam have cracked, and are just jabbering madly to each other on stage (Coffee of Doom!). Josh and Eric are valiantly trying to play Deaths in a Minute over the noise.

7:13am: Mariana and Adam are back to normal.

7:13am (Deaths in a minute on the moon)
Adam: I’ve discovered water on the moon....... TSUNAMI! (still too soon)

Eric: All I got to say is keep pushing

Eric: My main goal in life is to develop a normal... well, not a normal, but a Canadian accent.

Hour 21: 8-9am (Picture: Socks For Supper, Merav’s favourite childhood book)

Merav: Just having Paris Hilton’s name taped to my back makes me feel skanky.
Josh: You are skanky.
[not part of a scene]

8: 36am Eric: I thought you were about to start teabagging everyone spontaneously (not part of the scene)

8:40am: Arvind takes off sheets of paper--but leaves the sheep.

8:50am Arvind is a suicidal cigarette who smokes himself half to death and then stubs himself out in an act of desperation.

Hour 22: 9-10am (Picture: 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea)

Storytell or die is down to Josh and Kirsten, and Arvind says they must tell the last story in the style of monkeys. Kirsten starts screeching in Josh’s face, to which he immediately replies: “Okay, you win.”

Josh: Can I get a weird and wacky object that you’re not sure why it ever existed?
Andrew: The keeper!
Mariana: Hey, the keeper is fucking awesome, okay?
Josh: What’s the keeper?
Mariana: The keeper is a menstrual cup. Instead of tampons, which absorb blood, the keeper—
Josh: Okay, that’s enough of that. Can I have something you would find in a hornet’s nest, that isn’t hornets?
Mariana: What are you, twelve?!
Eric: We’re talking about Josh here.

Arvind: Okay, on the count of three, we’ll all shout out, “Come back....” ...Who did we send out?

9:43am Noelle: Welcome to Imported Foods and Exotics Incorporated.

9:58am Owen (Carleton):’s a camera who doesn’t speak good English. Click!

9:59am Noelle: You just hit that pedestrian.
Owen: That’s ok, it’s only a Montreal pedestrian.
Noelle: Oh right, we’re allowed to hit three of them per day.
Owen: Just as long as we don’t turn right.

Hour 23: 10-11am (Picture: 1984)

Mariana: Just be real.
Merav: More specific.

Adam: “...and here we have Towtruck Jimmy”

Adam: I plan to discuss it in my next book, Towtrucks: The Other White Man’s Burden.

10:37am: Number of NEW audience members to turn up since lockdown: 5!!!!!!!

Merav: Can we get a new occupation? [for world’s worst]
Audience: Astronaut!
Merav: We’ve already done astronaut too many times in the last 24 hours.... Although it was excellent.

10:53am Merav: Hi Freddy Sr.... not yet.

Hour 24: 11am-12pm (Photo: The Wizard of Oz)

11:14 Noel: I’ve been thinking, about the Torah. It’s on a big scroll, right? So why don’t we have it on like a big LCD screen and it just scrolls down?

Josh: Oh my God this looks like a different religion altogether!

Noel: See those giant Hebrew characters? And I mean like Lenny and Zippy they’re real characters.

Noel: Ok we’ve got ourselves a problem. God sent us a bum TV!

Mariana: Life is like venetian blinds, if you don’t like them, it’s curtains for you.

Owen: Life is like a Rubik’s cube: so many colours, and none of them ever seem to work together.
Owen: Life is like a Rubik’s cube: it’s mass-produced cheaply in China.
Noel: Life is like a Rubik’s cube: if you go on the internet you can figure it out in 45 seconds.

Noel: Fortunately, I was an expert fisherman from my days on BassPro USA

Noel: (as a Whale-like man) Oh hi honey, i love you oooooowooowwwwwooo (whale noises!)

Josh: The Dead Sea - now you can walk on water too!
Josh: The Saraha Desert - no water to walk on here!
Marianna: Niagara Falls: it’s a place and a complete sentence.

Final photo: Animal Farm

Thursday, March 02, 2006

At least I have Montreal


I had the worst day today.

First off, I slept in and nearly didn't get a paper in on time (I was able to sprint to my prof's office and hand-delvier it to him 2 minutes before he was set to close up), then I had to come home immediately because my mom only grudgingly allowed me to use her car. Little did I know that there was practically no gas in the tank. I nearly ran out of gas on the freeway on the way home and had to fill her up. Gas prices today rose higher than yesterday, when the car could have been filled. Before leaving school however, I was able to get to the Registrar's office and declare my minor in Classics relatively hassle free, which is good news.

When I came home, I had to run emergency errands for my mom who forgot about all this stuff she had to do and that ate up a good bit of time that I could have used for eating and such. Upon completion of said crazy errands, I left home and walked to the bus stop to go back to school. Upon arriving, I realized I had forgotten my wallet with all the bus tickets contained within. So I walk back home, beg the car off mom, return to school and get stuck in traffic getting there.

I have no time before class to do anything at all so I go to class quickly. Now in this class, Soviet Foreign policy, I did get a minor A+ assignment back, which is very good, but I found out during the break that I had forgotten my disk at home. I needed that disk for work I wanted to do at the library, so I was like SHIT! Now I can't do ANYTHING, even with the few hours left that the library is open for. I wanted to do note taking and drafting for a crazy go nuts Theory essay I have on monday, this theory essay is the big killer and I was able to get zero work done today, so now I feel as if my chestnuts are really in the fire here.

After this, I was about to come home when I noticed a cute girl, and I thought I'd ask her out, because hey, life is what you make it right?

She totally turned me down in the coldest way ever, it was the flattest no I ever heard, it was as if she said "get the hell away from me you stinky, ugly prick" all within the confines of a single syllable. Women have that magic power.

Depressed and dejected and feeling as if I had wasted an entire day, I returned home where I microwaved a mere bowl of soup for supper. The only good things that happened today were A+ and I got my minor declared. The girl, however, kinda killed the buzz I was getting off those. I had just gotten a haircut yesterday and it made me feel good, but now I feel dorky and nerdy looking.


I never meet any nice girls who aren't married, engaged, in a relationship or gay. There are no nice girls out there left to be found.

At least, I have VANganza in Montreal this weekend, which I will tell you about as soon as I get back.